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Are you (or someone you love!) stuck in hero’s complex?
"Hero’s complex" is the term I use to describe the codependent relationships that form when that you need to be needed, and someone needs to be saved, and ONLY YOU can help them(!)
Generalizing: I see MEN casting themselves in the role of hero, and WOMEN casting themselves in the role of saving.
It’s the core plot of every Disney/action movie:
Guy lives in obscurity.
Damsel lives in distress.
Guy saves girl.
Guy becomes hero (through battling some great mutual enemy which trauma-bonds them).
Guy becomes king.
Girl becomes queen.
They live happily ever after (until part 2 of the movie comes out).
Or something like that... right?
It's not your fault - we are conditioned by media to worship these kinds of dramatic connections.
But the REALITY of relationships which take on the dynamics of a hero’s complex tend to be less of a fairytale and more of a codependent energy-sucking blackhole.
I have watched so many of my students and my guy friends try to save someone from themselves.
Or perhaps you find yourself enmeshed in a codependent toxic relationship that leaves you feeling drained and unsure of yourself.
At the core, you're finding yourself in a place where you aren't putting yourself first.
So how did this happen? How did you get here?
It starts with our own relationship with our sexual energy.
Many men struggle with the belief that intimacy and sex should be ALL about pleasuring their partner. They struggle to consciously advocate for their own sexual desires, or don’t know even *what* their desires are.
Men's sexual empowerment not only reinforces the innate worthiness of their desires, but also reduces sexual violence and boundary violations.
This directly counters the narrative that sex has been a thing men are supposed to want always, at any given moment - on a hairpin trigger. This is an oppressive ideology for both men and women, where men are ruthless dogs and women are helpless targets.
Because of this predominant cultural narrative, many men struggle to be on the receiving end of sexual exchanges, and may not see their sexual needs and desires as being worthy in the same way as they give to their partner.
Resistance to receiving...
Resistance to sexual surrender...
Resistance to conscious expressions of worship...
...can often be a cover-up for intense male physical and emotional dissociation, both during the act of sex and in his general life.
Sometimes guys get so lost in their heads about "making sure their partner is happy" that they actually stop serving them, tune out, disconnect from the present moment, and just go straight pound town.
Of course their partner feels this disparity in sexual energy, but may "play along" in order to get things over with as quickly as possible.
And while offering pleasure is an innately beautiful, humbling, and fulfilling act of sexual service, the energetics of giving sexual pleasure WITHOUT first checking in with yourself and your partner, can quickly move sideways.
Subjecting your partner to an unconscious "take" under the guise of "giving" is an abuse of boundaries and power dynamics which can range from subtle to gross.
SO how do you get away from this narrative? How do you start forming a NEW narrative and transform our relationship to our sexuality.
Practice cycling your sexual energy, discernment in your relationship building, and managing your own sexual energy with self-pleasure practices.
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I recently worked with my friend, Brian, to help transform their relationship with his sexuality. We worked to resolve these imbalances and create a new framework around reclaiming his sexuality and sexual expression.
Watch our call via the video above!
Within the session we talked about three different practices we can do to reengage with our sexuality.
I’m so incredibly proud of Brian and his willingness to show up for the inner work.
He’s seeing huge shifts in his personal and professional life as a result.
Brian’s feedback one day after our call:
"So I’m realizing most often my sexual energy has been either repressed (not nearly as much in the last couple years) or spent as a utility.
To give others pleasure, or as a sleep aid, or boredom. It’s something that I’d tend to overly control instead of allow myself to feel.
So I’m feeling that I want to spend more time with myself. Explore what feels good, see where my mind and energy go.
My reflexive reaction would be to tighten up, create tension.
But I’ve found I can breathe into the feeling and cycle the sexual energy as you said. And it leads to more of a full body, dispersed experience rather than a localized reaction I need to tend to. And I can enjoy the experience more.
Also - definitely not incidentally - I officially ended the relationship, though we’ll likely meet up for some closure.
I’m proud of how she’s communicated. And today I’m bumping up my rates and working on communicating that to clients 😄
This has already changed my life!"
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