Discernment in Dating: Who's Your Ideal Partner?
Oct 13, 2021
How Greater Clarity Leads to Greater Intimacy
Lately I've been getting a lot of questions about dating.
I don't blame you guys for feeling overwhelmed and confused.
How to determine if someone is worth investing the time or not?
How to filter out people who are not an energetic match for you?
How to navigate the tricky modern dating world of apps and disconnected connections?
There's a gazillion articles out there, and it seems everyone's got an opinion... and a horror story... and a million reasons for why they are *NOT* doing that right now.
Even still, dating doesn't have to be so, well, ... negative.
Dating can be fun - when armed with the right attitude and right tools.
And even if you're happily taken in a lovership or partnership, this information about dating will STILL apply to you.
Why?
Because once you're in a relationship, you're still *dating* the person that you're with.
The process of courtship never really stops, ideally.
(Unless of course, you want your significant other to feel neglected!)
So I've put together a list of tips and tools that will help you get clear, get grounded, and ultimately... get what you want.
Thresholds = Boundaries for Minimum Effort Required
To me, it’s easy to filter people out. I let them filter themselves out.
Beyond physical attraction, "looks good on paper" qualities, and being a basic functioning human... how do you figure out whose good for you and whose not?
I went through quite a process with this myself, until I finally figured out it has less to do with *specifics* (does he really need to hold a certain job title?) and more about.... quite simply “does this person meet certain thresholds? Does this person willingly offer that which meets my needs and upholds my values?”
There are certain intangibles which tell me “yes go farther please” vs “slow tf down sis” vs “aw hell no.”
And for me, the ability and willingness to put in minimum effort, like planning a basic date (which is something people literally do everyday, around the world) is one of those thresholds.
As an exercise for reflection, consider: What are your thresholds? What is the minimum effort required that you need to see before someone can be a part of your world?
Choosing the Date:
Give What Feels Good,
Receive What Feels Right
In dating... Nobody wants to be used. Nobody wants to be manipulated. Nobody wants to be rejected. Nobody wants to feel like they gave a lot and got nothing in return. Nobody wants to get dressed up and go out to have a miserable time. Nobody wants to spend a ton of money on an experience that's boring and lame.
In every courtship, there's always a dance of give and take... it's not about "who gets the most out of this situation" (that's being USED) but "how can we meet each other's desires and needs?"
DESIRES. NEEDS.
NEEDS. DESIRES.
That's all you're focused on. That's it. That's what you need to know about yourself before you even step out your door... Having these fulfilled is the ultimate goal and outcome of successful dating.
PART 1: GIVING
If you're the one asking someone else out...
I encourage my students to make A CLEAR OFFER for their dates. Don't be wishy-washy. Be specific.
When it is your choice to give, and you give a CLEAR OFFER, there is no manipulation. They can either say yes or no. You have a 50-50 chance.
There is no expectation of "I will get this for giving that." There is no agenda. It's simply an offering: "This feels good for me to give you, and would make me happy."
And GIVING doesn't necessarily = LOT$ OF MONEY $PENT
Some examples of specific date offers that have little to do with $$:
"I would like to take you dancing next Saturday night."
"I want to watch the sunset with you to wrap our week together."
"Let's go explore somewhere outside we haven’t been before... a friend told me about this great hiking trail."
PART 2: RECEIVING
If you're the one being asked out...
Listen, wait, feel it out. Does their offer feel good to you?
Don't think about it too much - because you probably knew how you felt about it in the first few seconds after getting their offer. You just need to get up the cajones to actually answer their request.
That's why there's a simple barometer test here:
1. does the date offer meet your thresholds for minimum required effort?
2. Is the date offer clear enough to elicit a strong YES from you? If no, can you ask for clarity or specifics?
3. While being sensitive to the person doing the asking/giving, can you advocate for YOUR desires and needs in a compassionate, warm, kind way?
Okay, easy enough. But what happens when you don't necessarily DISLIKE the offer, but the offer isn't what you REALLY wanted?
Let's say you want to go salsa dancing, and your partner may want to go on a picnic. It's not that you don't like picnics... but you'd waaaay rather be salsa-ing.
Here's where I say: GOOD FOR YOU! You can still ASK for what you want to receive.
"I want you to ravish me in {insert ways here}"
"It's been such a stressful day, and I'm not feeling going out tonight... I would love to cuddle with you and feel your warmth surround me."
"I LOVE going on picnics, but there's a fun salsa dancing class tonight. Can we try that instead, and aim for a picnic next time? Tonight's on me."
Give what feels good; receive what feels right.
If it doesn't feel good or it doesn't feel right... it's a no. (or maybe it's a "not right now.") Don't overcomplicate it!
That's how you use your d i s c e r n m e n t to plan a great date!
How to Naturally Invite
Openness and Vulnerability
(and create beautiful shared moments that deepen intimacy!)
You don't have to follow a huge convulted process, like a pick-up artist trying to get attention to cover up an insecurity.
You don't have to waste hours with anxiety mulling over how to open up your date/partner to deeper connection with you.
In fact, the more you do this, the less likely you are to succeed. Any sincere person will be able to detect your agenda right away.
Instead, Keep. It. Simple.
You can directly offer your date the question, “what do you want and need me to give?” (assuming you are the one asking someone else out on a date).
If you are in the position of being asked on a date, spend some time asking yourself, "what do I need and want to receive?"
Asking this question of yourself (and your partner) is blessing in and of itself, because it indicates that you care about and value your integrity... and your partner's autonomy.
And if you ask such a heart-opening question, you will have undoubtedly unlocked a higher threshold of trust in you from the other person before you even see them in person.
And where there is honesty, vulnerability, and trust, you naturally invite intimacy to be reciprocated.
Everyone needs to understand:: in order for another to surrender into a space of intimate connection with you, your partner needs to feel physically and emotionally safe. It's your job to co-create that feeling of safety and freedom to be yourselves on a date.
Regardless of their gender, your partner needs to feel that your heart is open. That they will honor you by listening to you, holding space for your emotions, supporting your dreams and goals.
That's why adopting these principles is a great way to demonstrate utmost care, respect, and consideration for the well-being of the person you're trying to date! And #caringissexy ;)
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Did you guys find these tips useful? Let me know how it landed.
